USSR: Why Joseph Stalin Was Awesome

Death toll during reign: 60 million Slavonic pagans, elves and abominable snowman.

                Joseph Stalin was the ultimate sociopathic badass of the 20^th century. He is perhaps known as the greatest sadistic troll to ever come out of Russia, the land of many great trolls. Apart from being the “most evil man in history” (American propaganda hurrdurr) Stalin can be considered one of the greatest men to ever walk the planet. Why? Because he didn’t take shit from the West, a feat not many leaders have achieved. But that’s not the main reason. Stalin’s Soviet Union was one of the two major global superpowers of the 20^th century. The mere existence of the Soviet Union challenged the ludicrous assumption that only Capitalism can bring a country into the global power play. Stalin imposed his Socialist ideals, passed on by the great Lenin himself, unto neighboring states and thus created his awesome empire. What really makes Stalin awesome is the fact that his regime is responsible for some of the 20^th century’s greatest technological advances and inventions.

Memes originated in USSR.

What are these so called technological advances and inventions, you might ask. Lets see; human spaceflight (sent the first man into space), underwater welding, satellites, rocket boots (srsly), unmanned spacecrafts, military robots,  assault rifle/underwater assault rifle, Ak-47, pressure suits, nuclear power plants, space stations, plasma propulsion engine, intercontinental ballistic missiles, ternary computers, 3D holography, tetris (fuck yeah) and a shitload of other military and space innovations. Its safe to say that Soviet Russia was the pioneer of space exploration until America trolled the world with the fake moon landing footage (there’s no air on moon, the flag waved, piss off)

Stalin was also a military genius who didn’t give a crap about how many troops died just as long as it got the job done. He’s responsible for the death of 20 million Red Army troops in the second World War. So what? He got the thing done. Soviet military involvement in WWII was crucial for the Allied victory. We would all be speaking German if not for Stalin (not that its a bad thing, German is pretty awesome). After his wife died, Stally stopped giving a shit about morals. JS was the master of famine, this guy basically recreated the Black Death in eastern Europe and wiped out millions of Ukrainians for lulz. In total Joseph is responsible for over 60 million deaths during his reign and puts Adolph Hitler, the Aryan supertroll, to shame (6 million Jews is nothing compared to 60 million Russians, too bad nobody in America cares about Russians because they like to get on the Jew loving/hating bandwagon).

In conclusion; Stalin’s mustache is much more awesome than Hitler’s tiny shit stain.

Coming Soon: Why Anthony Fantano, "the world's busiest music nerd", is a pretentious douchebag

Top 10 Most Overrated Metal Bands of All Time and Why They Suck

Butthurt guaranteed :)

Okay I know this will offend a lot of people but that is the prime intention. Why else would I make these lists?

 

10. AC/DC

Real heavy metal or not, they were one of the first bands to be actually called “heavy metal” and thus they make it to this list. I like AC/DC a lot but they are one of the most overrated bands in the history of popular music. They received a lot of airplay back in the day and their enduring popularity is due to a formulatic blend of shitty, repetitive riffs and boring lyrics . They have been making the same crap for 39 years and their hit single “Back in Black” is one of the most commercially raped songs of all time along with Black Sabbath’s Paranoid and Metallica’s Enter Sandman.

9. Manowar

Just look at that picture.

8. Pantera

One word; PANTERRIBLE. Yeah yeah, Dimebag was murdered. Fucking GET OVER IT. Its been 8 years and people are still like “z0mG R.I.p dImEbAG <33” Pantera used to be a pretty good band until Dimebag had to go and get himself killed (facepalm).

7. Venom

This band is often credited with “inventing” black metal. This is completely retarded and preposterous since they only COINED the term “black metal” and their early records sounded nothing like actual black metal. While Venom had a profound influence on thrash metal, no one can deny the fact that but this band is totally overrated within the black metal scene. 

6. Megadeth

Dave Mustaine is and has always been a huge dildo and complete moron. This was the main reason he got kicked off Metallica (among other reasons). Killing Is My Business...And Business Is Good is a fantastic album but their subsequent albums  weren’t that great. When Metallica sold out in 1991, thrash lovers switched to Megadeth only to realize they were just as shitty as Metallica was. A few faithful fools stayed true to Megadeth and kept buying Mustaine’s shitty albums until he sobered up and converted to Christianity (death of Megadeth). Some people claim that Megadeth is much more infleuntial than Metallica and that is complete bullshit because Metallica actually used to be a great band and released some pretty good records before the obvious happened.

5. Pretty much every melodic death metal from Sweden and Finland

Butthurt? I don’t care. Somebody has to say it. Finnish and Swedish melodic death metal bands suck balls. Sweden is home to some awesome death/black metal bands but bands of the “Gothenburg sound” steal all the spotlight. Lets start with female-fronted Swedish band Arch Enemy. Generic, stupid and lacks the sincere “evilness” essential in death metal. Listening to Arch Enemy is like listening to a NWOBHM cover of Justin Bieber’s Baby. In Flames is another shitty Swedish band that released a couple of okay-ish albums early in their career and quickly ran out of creativity. Children of Bodom from Finland is probably the most overrated melodic death band out there. They use too much keyboards and synthesizers which makes their music sound like karaoke Hindi songs with blast beats. Typical Bodom fans will often claim that its the best band in the world and will lash out at you if you say anything against them. In a country where metal is mainstream, Finland is filled with a lot of lame melodeath bands such as Norther, Wintersun and Insomnium. Why Finns take pride in these terrible bands instead of their awesome doom metal bands is absurd.

Some of the few good melodic death metal bands are Amon Amarth from Sweden and Kalmah from Finland.

 

4. Korn/Slipknot

You might be wondering why listed these two bands as one. Its because they sound the same and share a common group of retarded degenerates for fans. Nu-metal was promoted by record companies because they saw it as a potential  style of radio friendly metal that could be played on MTV and other corporate TV and radio stations. Nu-metal became mainstream in the late 90’s/early 00’s. Spearheaded by bands like Korn, Slipknot, Limp Bizkit and Staind nu-metal soon attracted a large number of imbeciles and teenage girls with abnormal menstrual cycles to its ranks. Fortunately nobody likes nu-metal anymore.

3. Cradle of Filth

They call this band ‘black metal’ but I call them “vampire pussy metal”. Sure, chicks dig Dani Filth because women like talent-less morons. Cradle of Filth started out as a shitty but modest gothic black metal band in Suffolk, England, they eventually incorperated symphonic and fantasy (vampires) elements to their “music” after Dani discovered hot topic and saw Buffy the Vampire Slayer on TV. Cradle of Filth is the most unoriginal band in the world, often stealing riffs and ideas from other bands. One fine example is their popular “Vestal Masturbation” tshirt which looks exactly like Marduk’s Fuck Me Jesus demo artwork. Dani Filth’s voice sounds like a posessed chipmunk with rabies or a cat being gutted in the throat continuously while giving it mouth to mouth CPR. The excessive use of synthesizers and drum machines are the trademark sound of CoF. For a “metal” band these guys use too much keyboards instead of actual guitar riffs. Their music videos are so terrible I can't even think of words to describe how gay they are. Dani Filth’s obsession with vampires and gothic love stories is pretty evident in them. If you like this band, kill yourself in the most painful way imaginable.

2. Kiss

Gene Simmons is a whore. Its pretty evident that he co-founded KISS just to get laid. Their music is generic, idiotic and just boring. KISS always reminds me of Dr. Rockzo’s band Zazz Blammymatazz from Metalocalypse (which is clearly based on KISS). Why are they on this list? Because KISS is a joke that people took seriously.

1. Metallica

We’ve come to its last. The greatest shitstorm of our time. Many of you will agree with me when I say that Metallica is the most overrated metal band of all time. They are SO overrated, in fact, that many people think they “invented” thrash metal and that is absurd and false since it was bands like Overkill, Anvil and Venom that started playing retro-thrash years before Lars Ulrich hit puberty. Metallica is merely the first popular band played thrash metal as a seperate genre. While Slayer is the greatest thrash metal band of all time (come at me bros), Metallica released 3 very influential and rather significant albums in the 80’s until they sold out when Lars Ulrich, the greedy Danish bastard, decided they weren’t making enough cash. Had James Hetfield objected and threatened to quit if they went mainstream Metallica would still be respected today, but he didn’t since he’s Lars’ bitch. And thus, modern day Metallica was born. Metallica died with Cliff Burton.

- Cyrus

Greatest Black Metal Albums of All Time

For black metal noobs:
The internet is filled with terrible lists. Some of them are accurate and many of them are not. Some of the most inaccurate lists out there are ones related to black metal. Many black metal noobs like Anthony Fantano of The Needledrop (the world’s busiest, most pretentious hipster) have started to review black metal albums without the slightest knowlege of the genre. Kvelertak isn’t black metal Anthony, fuck off. Here I will list the top 15 black metal albums of all time as I see fit. Because lets face it, I’m awesome.

For obvious reasons I’m listing only ONE album per artist. But I will list the runner up albums by that band.

Also, screw Venom.

15. Gorgoroth – Under the Sign of Hell

Alright, lets start with Gorgoroth. This album is special because it features vocals by PEST instead of Gaahl’s whiny imp-like rasp. The unintentional lo-fi quality is majestic on this one (unlike Gorgoroth’s last few albums which featured disastrous attempts to make their music sound lo-fi using hi-tech equipment, especially the 2011 remastered version of this album) The album maintains an intangible dark aura. Pest’s vocals feel possessed and diabolical as fuck.

14. Isengard – Vinterskugge

Darkthrone mastermind Fenriz has always been a god in black metal and Isengard was his divine vehicle back in the 90’s. A mixture of black, death and folk metal, this lo-fi gem takes you into a hybrid world of Viking folklore and, of course, Middle-earth. All the instruments as well as the vocals are played by Fenriz himself. Contrary to popular belief, this album is actually a compilation of Isengard’s early demos and every song sounds different in one way or another. The vocals on this album are strange - tracks like Vinterskugge have amusing operatic vocals while tracks like Ut i Vannets dyp Hvor Morket Hviler have full on orthodox black metal vocals. Fenriz also mastered the use of synthesizers on this one with some really good dark ambient interludes.

13. Beherit – Drawing Down the Moon

One of the first few examples of black metal fused with industrial music. Beherit from Finland likes to experiment with black metal. And they always get away with it with amazing results. Beherit was formed with the purpose of performing "the most primitive, savage, hell-obsessed black metal imaginable.” Drawing Down the Moon was released in 1993 was initially met with a lot of mixed reviews. It was only after a few years that people realized this album is fucking amazing.

12. Absurd – Facta Loquuntur

Another lo-fi gem, this album features some of the rawest Oi!/RAC (Rock Against Communism) songs ever recorded. One of the finest examples of National Socialist Black Metal (NSBM), Facta Loquuntur was released in 1996 and its popularity grew mainly due to the band’s controversial nature (teenage murder, leadman Hendrik Mobus’ crazy adventures and other crap). Initially only 500 copies were released (I’d love to get my hands on one of those) The album cover features Thor pawning a bunch of goats. Tracks like Werwulf and Pesstanz are landmark tracks within the NSBM scene. Other notable tracks include Dreaming of Love and Mourning Soul.

11. Ulver - Nattens Madrigal: Atte Hymne Til Ulven I Manden      
           

Perhaps the most lo-fi and rawest black metal album of all time, Nattens Madrigal (Norwegian: Madrigal of the Night) was released in 1997. While Ulver isn’t known for any controversies, they are best known for kickass experimental music. Nattens Madrigal was their last black metal album before changing their style to avant-garde metal. It is a concept album about a man who becomes a werewolf (no thanks to Satan himself). It was apparently recorded in a forest, A FOREST. Nattens Madrigal maintains such a unique, chaotic atmosphere never to be heard again in their subsequent releases.

10. Mayhem – De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas

Lets see...double murder, arson of historical churches, grave desecration, suicide and downright awesomeness. De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas was the epitome of the Norwegian black metal scene and features some of the most legendary musicians from the second wave including Euronymous, Varg Vikernes, Dead, Atilla Csihar and Hellhammer. Atilla Csihar had to do the vocals since Dead blew his brains out for the lulz and needless to say his vocals are magnificent. The artwork features the Nidaros Cathedral from Trondheim, Norway which was planned to be blown up to coincide with the album’s initial release. The album features some of Euronymous’ most majestic, blazing, and downright sinister riffs as made evident in the title track as well as Freezing Moon, which is undoubtably the most popular song in black metal. Varg’s basslines are relatively silent, yet vicious. Hellhammer’s blast beats are powerful enough to deafen the whole Christian population of Scandinavia and Dead’s lyrics are as morbid and depressing as ever. After Varg stabbed Euronymous to death, his family asked Hellhammer to remove the bass tracks recorded by Varg. He promised he would but ended up using them anyway because, lets face it - its fucking kvlt. Imagine how this album would turn out if they took out Varg’s bass.

9. Immortal – Battles In The North

Apart from making ridiculous videos, Immortal is known as one of the most consistent and heaviest black metal bands from Norway. Abbath’s monotonous rasp of a voice is something I enjoy more than sex itself, the man is a genius. Demonaz’s lyrics are full of ice, war, Norse mythology and medieval awesomess. This album features some of the last guitar work done by Demonaz before he was diagnosed with acute tendinopathy thus ending his career as lead guitarist and sticking exclusively to writing lyrics for Immortal. Battles In The North is best known for Immortal’s most popular songs Grim and Frostbitten Kingdoms and Blashyrk (Mighty Ravendark) which introduced the fictional realm of Blashyrk that has been ever present on subsequent Immortal releases.

Runner up: Sons of Northern Darkness

8. Marduk – Nightwing

Sweden’s Marduk are notorious for making the fastest, nastiest, and most blasphemous black metal music around, and Panzer Divison Marduk is undoubtably Marduk’s most popular album. But is it THAT good compared to Nightwing? Fuck no. This album beats all other Marduk albums by a long shot. Released in 1998, part 1 of a concept album trilogy about blood, war and death, Nightwing is about blood and Vlad III Dracula, the Impaler. Its safe to say that this album pays great accolade to Vlad Tepes. A vampyric atmosphere surrounds the album thanks to its blasphemous lyrics and sinister riffs. Needless to say that if this was released in 15th century Romania, Vlad would impale his enemies to tracks like Kaziklu Bey and Dreams of Blood and Iron. This album marks the debut of Marduk’s second (and best) vocalist Legion who joined the band in 1995. Nightwing is the soundtrack to hell.

Runner up: Panzer Division Marduk

7. Satyricon – Nemesis Divina

They are called the “undisputed kings of black metal” for a reason; this album. Nemesis Divina is considered to be Satyricon’s last great album before they turned to utter sh*t. If you like Diabolical, you can now fuck off. Sometimes I like to think that they channeled too much epicness into this album that left them artistically handicapped for the rest of their career (this is probably what happened). Having Nocturno Culto of Darkthrone perform on this album is one of the key components of its majestic beauty. Blazing, agressive riffs will attack your ears like a colony of pissed off army ants eating away your braincells. Thunderous, treacherous blastbeats by Frost will give you chronic vertigo. Blasphemous, calamitous vocals by Satyr will rip your soul into shreds like a satyr from hell itself. The combination of Nocturno Culto’s legendary riffs and Satyr’s malicious tremelo attacks are  monumentally epic and creates a formidable aura of chaotic awesomeness. Get this album or die.

Runner up: The Shadowthrone

6. Drudkh – Forgotten Legends

The undisputed successors to Burzum, Drudkh (“Woods” in Sanskrit), from Ukraine, took the hypnotic sounds of Hvis Lyset Tar Oss, improved it, and made it their own. While I’m relatively new to this band it didn’t take me long to discover the depth and sophisticated nature of this masterpiece. The album consists of 4 very long tracks (much like Hvis Lyset Tar Oss) and deals with Slavonic mythology and nature. Forgotten Legends produces a trance-like state in the mind of the listener by the end of the first track. Not much could be said about this mysterious album other than the fact that it is pure brilliance.

Runner up: Autum Aurora

5. Inquisition – Invoking the Majestic Throne of Satan

Dagon of Inquisition has one of the best monotonous black metal vocal styles that I’ve ever heard. Its simplistic, nihilistic and an absolutely pleasure to listen to. Inquisition has humble beginnings in Columbia as a thrash metal band formed in 1988 by Dagon. In 1996 Dagon moved to the States and started making black metal. One of the finest examples of raw black metal, Inquisiton released their second black metal album Invoking the Majestic Throne of Satan in 2002 and it does exactly that. This album is very blasphemous and destructive but it is also actually pleasant to listen to. For a detrimental fucking malicious masterpiece of epic raw black metal this album maintains a calm, slumbering aura of chaotic beauty fueled by Dagon’s majestic vocals and facile riffs. Great album to calm your nerves.

4. Dissection – Storm of the Light’s Bane

On 16th August, 2006 notorious Satanist Jon Nödtveidt from Dissection shot himself in a candlelit circle with a Satanic grimoir by his side. Just 2 years before, he had been released from Swedish prison for second degree murder. Aside from being a crazy Satan-worshipper, Jon was a musical mastermind and an ingenious guitarist who made one of the greatest albums of all time. Storm of the Light’s Bane is the Beethovan’s 9th symphony of black metal with a lot of neo-classical influences. Nödtveidt’s majestic rasps and brilliant musicianship paved the way for Dissection’s legendary status in the black metal underground. The album starts with the beautiful instrumental At The Fathomless Depths which brings a whole new meaning to the medieval tritone. Unhallowed features some of the best drumwork by Ole Ohman. I should also mention that Storm of the Light’s Bane features artwork by Kristian Wåhlin who created artwork for Bathory, Emperor, Necrophobic and that sh*tty pop metal band Therion. Where Dead Angels Lie is probably the best track off the album and features some of Nödtveidt’s best vocals and a fantastic solo. Storm of the Light’s Bane paved the way for melodic black metal but sadly that subgenre is complete sh*t now. R.I.P Jonny.

3. Darkthrone – Under a Funeral Moon

Lo-fi at its best.

Misanthropic Darkthrone revolutionized the world of black metal with the release of their first black metal album A Blaze in the Northern Sky which pretty much sparked the second wave of black metal. Initially a death metal band, Darkthrone decided to go kvlt because death metal was gay in Scandinavia at the time. Despite being a “black metal” album, A Blaze... was pretty much a blackened death metal album so they decided to record a “pure 100%” black metal album and thus Under a Funeral Moon was released. Part 2 of Darkthrone’s “Unholy Trinity” Under a Funeral Moon is simply the most nihilistic, harshest, blasphemous, and sinister black metal album ever concieved. Its creepy, strange production makes it sound like Cthulhu himself is humming in the background. Under a Funeral Moon features the most blasphemous lyrics written by Darkthrone and could induce heart attacks in decent Christian folk. This album, along with Bathory’s self titled, pretty much created the sound of modern black metal. Nocturno Culto’s misanthropic, hideous snarl of a voice and lightning fast, venomous riffs creates a very eerie atmosphere above the layer of diabolical blastbeats hammered away by Fenriz. There is nothing warm about this music. This is the music of sociopaths, mass murderers aaaaand Satan 666 etc J

Runner ups: A Blaze In The Northern Sky, Panzerfaust

2. Bathory – Bathory

Tomas “Quorthon” Forsberg’s Bathory is perhaps the most influential extreme metal band of all time spanning nearly 2 decades and 3 genres. Along with Viking Metal genre, Bathory pretty much created modern black metal. Sure, Venom invented the term “black metal” but it was Bathory that took Venom’s idea and made it something artistically worthwhile. Bathory’s self-titled debut album Bathory was released in 1984 and people loved it. Despite being just 28 minutes long, Bathory pretty much laid the groundwork of modern black metal by including Satanic lyrics, harsh, inhuman vocals, blazing guitar riffs, and lo-fi production. The sound of Bathory is pretty much faster, darker thrash metal with gravely vocals and blasphemous lyrics. The popularity of Bathory spread around Scandinavia and became one of the main influences of second-wave Norwegian bands that worshipped Bathory, Hellhammer, Celtic Frost and Venom. Despite being a fun, lulzy, blackened thrash metal album, Bathory has a very creepy atmosphere. Imagine having rabies and a demon possession at the same time while guzzling down pints of Jack Daniels and going around town, raping, pillaging churches and lacerating minds in the name of the Goat! OH YEAH! Quorthon was a genius.

Runner ups: pretty much every Bathory album

1. Burzum – Filosofem

Varg Vikernes’ entire career has been overshadowed by the murder of Euronymous, but it also made him very popular. However, many people don’t appreciate him for his musical genius. Varg might be a crazy neo-Nazi, but he is, perhaps, the most talented Norwegian musician alive today (come at me Norskies). Filosofem isn’t that popular compared to his popular masterpiece Hvis Lyset Tar Oss, but many people don’t realize that Filosofem is much more influencial than any of his other albums. The first track, Dunkelheit (Burzum), is undoubtably one of the first ambient black metal tracks every recorded. The simple, depressive, nihilistic beauty of Dunhelheit defined Varg’s early career. Jesu Død is the epitome of chaos and maliciousness of black metal with its dark sinister riffs and thunderous blast beats and not to mention the blasphemous lyrics. Beholding the Daughters of the Firmament is perhaps the best song off Filosofem. Its nihilistic beauty cannot be expressed by words. The track, over 7 minutes long, creates a trance-like, sad, ambient world around the listener enabling one to get lost in Varg’s eternal despair. It makes you feel small, alone and vulnerable but it is a good feeling, kind of like an ego death. Listening to this album is almost a religious experience where the listener feels like a prisoner in his own mind and doesn’t feel shame to indulge in his own sadness. Rundgang um Die Transzendentale Säule der Singularität is a 25 minute long ambient masterpiece proving once again that Varg’s genius extends beyond just black metal. This track further extends the psychological impact made by Beholding the Daughters of the Firmament in a more nihilistic, repetitive and simple ambient style. Getting lost in this track is a euphoric feeling that no other song will allow you to do. Gebrechlichkeit I and II are haunting and depressive tracks with some of the most painful vocals Varg has ever recorded. This album creates a strong feeling of sympathy for Varg and allows us to get lost in his dark mind. Filosofem was intentionally recorded on very bad equipment. Varg used a headphone mic to record the vocals and plugged his guitar into an old stereo instead of using a guitar amp. So, in a way, he created art out of nothing. Chaotic masterpiece.

Runner up: Hvis Lyset Tar Oss

- Cyrus

Black metal recording studio

This state of the art piece of equipment was invented by Dr. Tobias von Hundhausen of the Carpathian Institute of Satan.

Top 10 Shittiest Movies of the Last Decade

RUNNER UPS:
Meet The Spartans
Disaster Movie

                                             

10. White Chicks

Shawn Wayans and Marlon Wayans were the ugliest white chicks of all time. I swear I've seen prettier transsexuals than them. In fact, the movie won a Golden Raspberry Award for "unconvincing prosthetics". 

9. The Happening 

Director M. Knight Shyamalan is best known for his fantastic and creepy movies The Sixth Sense and The Village. Those movies were so great that nobody could have thought that he was capable of making a movie as shitty as The Happening. This flick marked the end of Knight's era of making kickass horror movies and paved the way for The Last Airbender which was definitely one of the shittiest movies of the decade. Despite being a mediocre movie with forced and flat performances by otherwise great actors this movie has some creepy mass suicide scenes in the beginning. They are so creepy in fact that one might brace themselves for a piss-in-your pants type of experience only to be disappointed 20 minutes in

8. Epic Movie

Despite being terrible, this movie is epic by all means. It parodies some of the most popular movies in Hollywood (at the time) including The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, Super-man, X-Men, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Borat, Nacho Libre, 300, Snakes on a Plane, Pirates of the Caribbean and many others. Its super awesome fun for the entire family...except its not. Its vulgur, stupid and has some of the worst dialogue in the history of Hollywood. Just because this movie isn't intended to be taken seriously doesn't mean it has to be THIS shitty. 

7. Transformers: The Revenge of The Fallen

Transformers was epic. Full of action and awkward humour and not to mention transformers actually TRANSFORMING (glourious slow-mo transforming AWYEAH). And even though the dialogue and the plot still sucked it was quite satisfactory and a lot of people were excited for Transformers part 2. Michael Bay AKA The Antichrist decided to extend Transformers' popularity around the world by making it more appealing to everyone from 5 year olds to pre-puberscent girls to old people in wheel chairs and all ethnic groups. This movie is cheesier, cornier and dumber than any sci-fi action movie ever made. Heck Transformers 2 even introduced us to a couple of redneck/gansta twin retards (yeah nobody actually what they're supposed to be because they have some kind of retarded hybrid accent that mimics rednecks and black people from ghettos) and not to mention huge transformer balls. The dialogue and acting is unforgivably worse in this one and Shia LaBeuf (or whatever the fuck his name is) looks like a dyslexic, obnoxious moron with ADHD. This movie also depicts ignorant Americans' typical idea of marijuana as a terrible drug made by Satan himself to make decent American people stupid and dangerous (Sam's mom's space cake incident). The WORST  and most terrible aspect of this movie is the over-objectification of Megan Fox's body and her abhorrent dialogue. The main characters absolutely lack chemistry and the plot is worse than a Betty and Veronica comic book. You need an IQ of less than 90 to enjoy this movie for its "aesthetic" value but don't feel guilty if you liked the action.

6. Batman and Robin

Words cannot express how shitty this movie is. Its not dark or brooding as a proper Batman movie is supposed to be. This is basically a cartoon adaptation played by live actors. Its been listed as one of the worst movies of all time. I was probably 5 or 6 when I first saw this and even the 6 year old me thought this sucked. This movie almost killed the Batman franchise in the 90's (which was pretty much left to ruin until Batman Begins revived it) Did I mention that this movie introduced batsuits with nipples on them? YES NIPPLES. BATNIPPLES. YOU HEARD ME. This movie has the worst comic book villains of all time Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who played Mr. Freeze, was apparently paid $25 million to play the worst movie role in his career (and he can't even act!) and George Clooney (Batman) was so spectacularly terrible for the role that his portrayal of Batman is often considered the worst in history (Christian Bale must be pleased). The only good thing about this movie is that Robin doesn't wear a thong and Batgirl is pretty hot. 

5. Little Nicky

Adam Sandler pretty much plays a retarded son of Satan who's infatuated with Rock N' Roll and getting out of hell and living his own life. He has 2 brothers; Adrian (the devious), Cassius (the cruelest). They are total assholes who bully him and says his mom is a goat (which is probably true) There's only one problem, Nicky is Daddy's favorite and he won't let him leave hell to be independent and live his life because, lets face it, he's a moron. When Satan refuses to give the throne to either of his sons they start to rebel and block the entrance to Hell stopping souls from entering into the underworld

thus making Satan weak so sends Nicky to pretty much kick their asses and save Hell. Despite having a pretty awesome cast and a cool theme this movie has some of the worst, flat jokes in the history of comedy. Not to mention an annoying talking dog with a black accent. The truth is Nicky is just plain dumb and shouldn't be watched by anyone with a higher IQ than 10, yes 10. 

4. Speed Racer

Oh yes, we're coming close to the end.We all enjoyed Speed Racer as kids. It was one of the best Japanese cartoons of all time. But what happened? I'll tell you. The Wachowski brothers were looking for a big break and they RUINED it. Watching Speed Racer was an excruciating experience. Imagine being on LSD while having your testicles continuously kicked by a rabid chimpanzee and multiply that infinity and there you have it. One of the best cartoons of all time ruined by corporate greed. Emile Hirsch did a good job playing Speed but the other actors were all terrible especially the little brat that plays his little brother. I usually like children but if I was Emile I'd kick him AND his chimp in the face with spiked shoes until the screenwriter writes them out of the script. Seriously though, the kid was one of the main reasons the movie failed. Joe Morganstern of the Wall Streen Journal had this to say:

"Toxic admixture of computer-generated frenzy and live-action torpor succeeds in being, almost simultaneously, genuinely painful — the esthetic equivalent of needles in eyeballs" I agree with him. This movie has no soul. 

3. Twilight 

Ah, you expected it. You knew it would make it to this list and it did. Definitely one of the worst movies of all time. Lets start with the book. Stephanie Meyer wrote Twilight after having a wet dream about copulating with a vampire. This sexually frustrated young Mormon decided to turn this "experience" into literary fiction eventually turning millions of young women into mindless bimbos. Why did they buy the books? Fuck if I know, women has always been infatuated with the idea of undead sexual liaisons with Carpathain monsters. If they knew how terrifying the actual Dracula, Vlad the Impaler, was they'd have nightmares instead of wet dreams. But Alas, Twilight vampires are a shittier, emo version of Gram Stoker's charming Dracula. I should also point out that vampires can't get erections since it requires BLOOD which vampires don't have since they're technically DEAD. 

So, about the movie. Yes, its terrible. We all know it but it was marketed to young women who aren't too bright. 

This movie pretty much revolutionized the world of bimbos (women with below-average intelligence) and glorified unprotected sex with pedophiles. 

Yes, Eddy Cullen is technically a pedophile since he's over a century old. 

Bella Swan might be the most boring and uninteresting female character since Caroline Bingley and Edward is basically an inarticulate, monotonous, whiny ignoramus.

This movie is just downright insignificant. They even made the wolfboy look gay from the second installment.

2. Battlefield Earth

L. Ron Hubbard is the creator of Scientology, a shitty American "religion" that preach absurd teachings about aliens and intergalactic Boeing 747's. Apart from being a fake messiah he was known back in the day as a quite accomplished science fiction writer and Battlefield Earth was one of his greatest works. It was all good until some retards decided to adapt it to to the silver screen using none other than notorious Scientologist John Travolta. Everyone knows ol' Johnny can't act but they cast him anyway. It was an utter disaster for 3 reasons; Corey Mandell's terrible screenplay (some people say he wrote it after just reading the children's version of Battlefield Earth because he's a tard), Johnny's shitty acting as an intergalactic spacelord and TERRIBLE production design. These aliens were pretty lame and their technology made Cold War era radio transmitters look like state of the art supercomputers. Seriously, watch and see how terrible this movie is. 

1. The Room

Ah, yes. We've come to it at last. The world movie of the last decade, nay, century. 

Dubbed "the Citizen Kane of bad movies" by Entertainment Weekly. The Room has some of the worst movie dialogues of all time. Tommy Wiseau is perhaps the worst actor in the history of humankind with his monotonous outbursts and casual wooing (not to mention his weird European accent). Despite being a shitty movie with even shitter dialogue The Room is actually quite entertaining because it takes itself so seriously and has some excruciatingly long sex scenes with the cheesiest music imaginable. These sex scenes are so frequent and long that this movie could pass off for a low budget soft-core flick. The story is basically about this "nice" (but retarded) guy Johnny that's dating this totally nympho whore called Lisa that wants to dump Johnny and sleep with his best friend Mark. Despite this Lisa and Johnny STILL has sex like 50 times in the movie. Johnny has an adopted little brother called Denny that's kind of a pervert who asks Johnny and Lisa if he can "watch" them. One of the subplots include Denny getting beaten up by a drug dealer and Mark and Johnny coming to his rescue, the plot line is immediately abandoned afterwards. Lisa's mother mentions that she "got the tests back and definitely has cancer" this subplot, too, is quickly abandoned and never mentioned again. Another hilarious scene includes the guys playing football in tuxedos for 10 seconds, this scene has absolutely no purpose in the script. Speaking of the script, The Room has the worst plot of all time. In fact there are so many narrative flaws that makes a typical SpongeBob episode look like a Shakespearean masterpiece. Most of the dialogue was written on set according to Wiseau's mood. In fact, he was so busy "acting" that the script supervisor ended up directing some parts of the film. In the end Johnny realizes he's a retard and blows his brains out. Srsly. 

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